Troubling Dreams
I hate it when I have an upsetting dream. I'm not talking about nightmares, which I associate with fear and horror. I have those from time to time, but I can quickly dismiss them after waking, and let them slip into the recesses and shadows, from whence they came.
No, it's the all-too-real unsettling ones that stay with me long after my eyes open and the day begins. They are the ones I find troubling.
What do they mean?
Maybe they mean nothing. Then why have them?
The other night, I had a long, drawn-out battle with my father. It started out simply, with him making a comment that got me going. Then, I just let him have it, verbally, that is. All the things he had said, and not said that had left me with some form of painful memory, came out, emotionally, filled with anger and tears, just as if it had really happened.
In the second year of Nebuchadnezzar's reign, Nebuchadnezzar dreamed such dreams that his spirit was troubled and his sleep left him. - Daniel 2:1
My father died twenty-eight years ago, this week. It was just after Easter, in April, with new life springing up all around, especially in his garden. And, as much as I wanted him to be at peace, I was angry with him for dying.
Perhaps I still am. Is it better to never have yelled at him the way I did in my dream?
I would like to think so, but part of me believes he can hear it anyway, whether I ever really said it or not. Parents have a unique sense of hearing that way, especially after they are gone.
Do we ever get over the guilt?
Why does it haunt us so?
When I hear that people who have hurt each other have found a way to reconcile and forgive each other, I immediately think that it is a wonderful thing. But then I think of all the time lost and I am saddened. Too bad, I think. If only.
We can't change what has been done. That's the fatal flaw in the structure of time.
It's like a guilt stamp, right in the middle of our memories, and it flashes brightly at those times in the night when we least expect it.
In the prayer of contrition that I learned as a child, I would say, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Maybe that's what the troubling dream is all about, played out as if on a stage, with all the characters alive and filled with emotion. Maybe I need to let out all those hidden unsaid words, just so I can let it go.
Forgive me, Dad.